I Made it to GOAL!

On Monday night, August 18th 2008, my husband and I attended our very first Weight Watchers meeting.  My starting weight was 276.6 pounds.  Last night, November 7th 2011, 3 years, 2 months and 19 days later, I reached my goal weight.  I am now 46% smaller than I was on that first day. I have been trying to think about all the pithy little things I could fill this post with but now that I am writing I really just want to take a moment and let it all sink in.  

When I was a teenager I used to curl up in my bed and pray as hard as I could, with hot tears streaming down my face, that somehow someway I would wake up with a new body.  My brain would begin to tell me what to eat and when so that I would not be fat anymore.  I desperately daydreamed about unzipping my skin or out running my fat, anything to release myself from the prison of obesity.  Some prayers just take a very long time to be answered.

Over the last 3 years I feel like I have lived an entire lifetime and the person I was before has become a distant stranger.  I am smaller now than I was in 5th grade.  My weight loss stalled when I approached that number, I started to ache for the little girl I was and the many things I missed out on because of my feelings of self consciousness.  There are so many things that I had to forgive myself in order to keep moving forward but I did.  One of the things that helped me was to look in the mirror and marvel at how far I had already come.  To see thousands of small choices adding up to my own amazing transformation kept me focused and looking ahead when looking back became too painful.

And I never quit.  I decided early on in this process that there was only one way that I could fail and that was to quit.  I took that option off the table and worked on just putting one foot in front of the other.  There were days that I faltered and made choices that I regretted but I knew it was better to move forward than to go back. 

Those days were the ones when it was most important to have my community to lean on.  The gleaming pillar of that community is my husband.  I don't know if I could have made it this far without him.  He will call me out if I am venturing down a path of questionable choices and help me get my head back on straight.  We encourage each other to get up and move, order lighter choices at restaurants, and just stop it when we get into a funk.

I also need to sing the praises of my Weight Watchers leader.  Pam, you are a one in a million and it is no accident that we landed in your Monday night class.  Your straight talk and dry wit are always what I need to hear.  Knowing that once a week I will be walking into a room of people who are all working toward a common goal keeps me motivated to be successful even in the face of temptation or melancholy.  I have met some really terrific people in our Monday night meeting and I have never once left a meeting feeling like my time would have been better spent elsewhere.  Through the program I have not learned how to diet, I have learned how to simply live.

This is not the end, not by a long shot.  I still have a ways to go on my personal goals but they will all be accomplished in time as long as I just keep going.

Now for a visual: I am sure when I posed for these pictures I didn't intend to publish them so please excuse my pajamas. The first set of pictures was taken in August of 2008 a week after we began Weight Watchers.  I had lost a few pounds and felt like it would be a good idea to take some pictures, just in case it actually worked.  I am wearing either a XX or XXXL shirt and at the time my pants were probably a size 24.

These pictures I took this morning.  My t-shirt is a medium and my pants are an 8.  I still can't get over wearing single digits.  I get all fluttery when I think about it.

Be, Do, Have

Have you ever seen this image?  I hadn't before Monday when our Weight Watchers leader drew it on the board.  Now I have to admit my attention was divided between what she was sharing and my son throwing cereal on the floor so I may have missed some key points, but, let me give it a whirl.

After a quick internet search I discovered the "Be Do Have" model is used in many different self improvement arenas.  Basically the point is to visualize what or who you would like to be, do the things that person would do and have the results that person would have.  I think it is a really neat tool.

Isn't it easy to sit around and think about who we could be if only we could have different things.  We would have more money if we had a different job, we would go more places if only we had a better car, we would be tidier if only we had a nicer house to keep clean or we would wear nicer clothes if we had a better body to dress.  If only we had these or any number of other things, then we could finally stop rushing and fighting with life and just be happy.

Remember when all the buzz was about "The Secret"?  Just tell the universe what you want and if you really want it things will begin to go your way.  There was a scene in the movie where one of the narrators talks about going to the mailbox day after day only to have more bills appear.  He started to visualize money and suddenly there were checks and no bills.  Here is my conclusion.  While this person was telling "the universe" what he wanted he was thinking more about what he wanted to become and started to act like that person.  I think he may have been a writer.  He probably started sending out articles, meeting with publishers, revamping previous projects and low and behold it began to yield results!  I don't doubt that he was working before the visualization but when he started thinking about how to have money by being a writer he began to do more about it.

The real secret is action with a goal.

You can spend a day, week or year visualizing and telling the universe whatever you want but unless you get up and take action it is highly unlikely any amazing change will come into your life.  (I never say never though, just in case)  You can also be going and going trying to do things that you are supposed to but if you don't know what your goal is all your efforts may wind up being a lot of wasted energy.

Bringing the idea back to diet and exercise.

At the same Weight Watchers meeting my husband shared that he feels like he holds himself back because he wants to have all the right gear or gadgets before he can engage in an activity.  This seems to me like a common trap.  Do you need to have running shoes to be a runner, a roasting pan to cook a chicken, a nicer car to be on time to work or your dream house to pick out furniture you love?  Imagine for a moment that you will never have the thing you think you need.  Think about it.  Now what?

I am absolutely guilty of this behavior myself.  When I started going to the YMCA on a regular basis I really wanted to say that I couldn't get in a good workout because my sweats were not right and my shoes were worn out.  Then I stopped and thought about how dumb that would sound to me if I heard someone else say these things.  So I started working out and after a few weeks I did begin to upgrade my athletic gear but only after I built a habit of going to the gym.  It turned out getting started just took me making the effort and following through again and again.  My shoes were fine and my baggy sweats still allowed me full range of motion on the equipment.

I do not disagree that some activities require specific tools.  If you have a boat but no oars it would not be wise to push out into a lake.  My point is if you look out the window and think, "it's a beautiful day to be out on a boat, but I have no boat," it will still be a beautiful day and you can still spend time outside.

Here's the flip side to the coin.  Raise your hand if you or someone you know owns exercise equipment.  Keep your hand raised if the equipment is used as an extension of your closet or a layer of dust on it.  I am guessing there are a large number of hands raised.  We have a treadmill and I actually use it, occasionally.  See the thing is just having things does not get me any closer to my goal.  I have to be in the mindset of using the treadmill.  I really enjoy going to the Y so when I use the treadmill I feel like I am cheating on the gym.  (please don't tell me I am alone in my wackiness)  When I don't use the gym or the treadmill neither is doing me any good.

The visual of the triangle will be really helpful to me.  As I make choices and changes I can set a goal to be different, imagine what I would like to have, and plan what I need to do to achieve the goal.  Simple and hopefully effective.

Shoot for the moon if only to land among the stars

I have reached the end of the month and it is time for the official numbers on my goal of losing 8 pounds.

Week 1 - I tracked my eating, got some exercise and when I weighed in I had gained a pound.  Much stomping ensued.  I complained that things were not going the way I wanted and how unfair it was that after a full week of following the 'rules' I was punished with a weight gain.  After about 15 minutes I realized my heart wasn't really in the complaining and focused my attention on the next week.

Week 2 - I tracked a bit better than the first week.  I really paid attention to portion size and was honest with myself about the food going into my mouth.  I took advantage of opportunities to get in some activity and time to play.  I felt really good and things were really clicking.  When I weighed in I was down 1.2 pounds.  Hooray!  Now, a result I can get excited about.

Week 3 - The summer weather was finally heating up the Pacific Northwest and I played outside with my son most days.  We did some gardening, running around, and at the end of the week we went to the mountains to hike with family and have a great time in nature.  I tracked most of the week but over the weekend I just watched my portions and made healthy choices.  I did have one incredible indulgence, a gigantic scoop of lemon meringue pie ice cream in a waffle cone!  I hadn't had real full fat ice cream in a very long time.  It was out of this world a-mazing.  I did share a few licks with my son but most of it was ALL MINE.  The ice cream was the 'reward' at the end of our hike.  I did worry a little that I was more than compensating for any calories burned going up the mountain, but, I still ate it; with relish.  That week I weighed 2.2 pounds less (after the ice cream).

Week 4 - After taking the weekend off of tracking I found it difficult to get back in the swing of faithfully recording what I ate.  I did make sure to measure my portions and focus on healthy choices as well as not eating if I wasn't hungry.  Sunday our family went to a local farmer's market and stocked up on a variety of local organic produce that I look forward to utilizing this week.  After our shopping we stopped into a sandwich shop across the street that is well know in the city.  I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.  We had some terrific sandwiches on homemade baguettes.  They were very substantial and I could only eat half but it felt like a real treat.  Last night when I weighed in I was down another .8 pounds.

So for those of you playing at home we have +1 - 1.2 - 2.2 - .8 for a grand total of -3.2 pounds lost!

I realize this is less than half of my goal to lose 8 pounds in a month, but, as far as I am concerned I shot for the moon and landed in the stars.  Over the course of the last month I have noticed my pants fitting looser, shirts that hugged my body are hanging a bit, and my brain feels much more engaged.  I have been cooking more at home to have a better awareness of what I am eating.  I really enjoy cooking and playing with my food.  Cooking at home also saves us money and not only takes care of dinner but generally covers lunch the next day too.

When I exercise control over my diet I feel better equipped to handle other areas of my life.  I find that I have more energy to plan projects and go on adventures.  I trade in a ho-hum attitude for one of, 'let's see where this day takes us!'

Now I am less than 5 pounds from taking my wedding ring to be resized and ceasing to pay Weight Watchers.  Can I get there by the end of September?  Watch me!

Week 1: We went to a local blueberry farm and picked enough to fill a bucket and to add to our freezer stash of summer berries.

Week 2: We met our friends at the zoo and had a great time watching the animals and running around.

Week 3: A view from the trail while on a day hike in the North Cascades to Lake Dorothy.  This is also the day of the amazing ice cream.

Doing What I Have Never Done

"To Achieve What We Have Never Achieved, We Must Do What We Have Never Done!"

I can't remember who said this but I find myself coming back to it over and over in the years since I first heard it.  "To achieve what we have never achieved, we must do what we have never done."  There is so much power in that statement.  Words like that can inspire social revolutions or move mountains.  I love to roll the words around in my brain and think about the different ways to approach them.  Sometimes I focus on big obstacles other times it is more mundane.  For instance, "I have never cut onions without tearing up."  So then I think about what I have never done to try and achieve a different outcome.  "I have never chilled the onions before cutting them."  So I throw them in the fridge and see what happens.  (Incidentally if you have never chilled onions prior to slicing them, try it and you may make it through without going for the tissues.)

Last December I had lunch with a friend and by the end of our time together we had a plan to complete a half marathon in the Spring.  Have you ever heard of a "barf bag goal?"  Well this qualified.  It was not until last November that I even started working out regularly.  Yep, that's right I was a breath away from having lost 100 pounds and only a month into my YMCA membership.  However, I was in much better shape than I had ever been in due entirely to loosing the weight and becoming a more active person in the day to day sense.  So now I was facing the challenge of doing something I had never done, never even considered in my wildest dreams!

I was so excited!  Before we even picked a date I began a rhythm of spending time on the treadmill twice and week and became much more active overall.  Once our date was set I printed a training schedule, from a web site, and while I didn't adhere to it very strictly the outline helped me know I was on track.  The final plan for the half marathon was to walk and jog as we felt comfortable but I wanted to be as prepared as possible to ensure my ability to finish.

Our walk/ jog was not part of an organized event so we had to carry our water and anything else we needed with us.  I bought a little waist pack to hold a bottle of water, some cash, my phone and a couple packages of Cliff Shot Bloks for recharging along the way.  The route we were walking had places to buy bottled water so I planed to only carry one at a time.  Part of my agreeing to do the 1/2 marathon in the first place was the location.  When my friend and I were discussing the details I said we should do it in sunny L.A. where she lives rather than the chilly Pacific Northwest.  Our route was a paved path next to the beach, from Santa Monica to Venice and back.

Before I knew it the day arrived and we were off, one foot in front of the other and ticking off the miles.  The day was phenomenal, with blue sky, not too hot and little breeze, a perfect day for our event, or anything else really.  Our little group of four walkers, including my sister, set out from a quiet part of the beach.  The first part felt great just going along enjoying each other's company.   As we approached the Santa Monica Pier people watching became a really fun way to keep my mind off the miles.  By the time we arrived in Venice there was such a colorful hodgepodge of people I nearly forgot what we were doing.  Shortly after passing through Venice we reached our turn around point.  After walking at a good pace for over six miles my muscles were ready for a change.  Our little group split up a bit and my sister and I both jogged back through Venice to get through the hubbub a little quicker.  For the remaining miles we walked and jogged as we were comfortable.  I was very glad to have my Shot Bloks on hand to keep my body fueled and I did take advantage of a snack shack and bought a second bottle of water.

With about a mile to go my husband brought our son to meet us on the path.  It was really fun to share a part of the experience with them.  I think I lost time strolling with them but it was also the first day of our vacation and I wanted to savor the moment.  I once again picked up the pace right at the end and jogged across the finish line.  I completed my first 1/2 marathon with a time of 3 hours and 15 minutes.  (Wow.  Writing that last sentence stopped me in my tracks for a moment.)  I felt great; not at all the way I was expecting.  I imagined myself crossing the finish line with my last ounce of strength and plopping onto the ground.  Instead I milled around, went to the bathroom, took some pictures and then we made our lunch plan.  The next morning I still felt great and we packed up and walked the four miles, round trip to the local farmer's market.

It might sound a bit strange but I was disappointed that I felt as good as I did.  I sort of missed that muscle ache you get when you have really pushed your body to work hard.  It never came.  Without moving into the gym or shunning my social commitments I had trained well enough to finish a 1/2 marathon and feel great doing it.  I have not made a plan for another event but I would really like to.  Now that I know better what I am capable of I would like to run a greater portion and perhaps wake up feeling it the next morning.

"To Achieve What We Have Never Achieved, We Must Do What We Have Never Done."